I have burn holes in my new pants and my favorite spaghetti strap. I started smoking in June, the night Kitty opened, and I have been smoking since. A solid three, four months of my life. I grew up surrounded by smokers, so it felt like I was making up for lost time. I’ve all but dropped weed, picking up alcohol and cigs instead. One poison at a time, at least. My youngest uncle did me a solid when I was a kid and let me take a drag of his cigarette, effectively putting me off of them until that fateful night in which watching someone go blackout and hit their boyfriend made me grab a dying cig on the floor and, Hey, nice to meet you nicotine addiction.
Libra season has me on some shenanigans. I’m turning 25 in a week and it’s not an impeding sense of anything, but an accumulation of things I’ve learned and an awareness that I should always be learning or trying. It’s tiring, but it’s a hustle. So here’s a list of things I’ve learned in the last week!
- There will be white dudes at rap functions who, prefacing the conversation with how weird they are, will get angry at you when you disagree with them about the cultural influence of women like @YesJulz. They will give you bad reasons for why she has “cultural influence” (i.e. ‘What other “pretty white girl” has a collab with Puma?’ ‘She has a tequila sponsor’ ‘I don’t know about you, but when I go out I’m trying to get fucked up’) and when you tell them they’re not doing a very good job at convincing you (i.e. ‘Who cares about Puma?’ ‘I think shouting “more tequila” over the artist is a wet blanket on culture’ ‘You work for her so you’re biased’), they will get mad – legitimately, surprisingly, quietly mad – and accuse you of “interrupting” them. You will then get up and walk away from them to end the conversation because the conversation is done.
- Walking past security guards like you’re meant to be there means you’re meant to be there.
- Music festivals are tiring. Tiny scarves make great blankets. Influencer culture is dumb. Miyavi is a rockstar legend that no one here seems to know. 88rising is doing a good job. They need to pick up Suboi from Vietnam. People Watching is secretly about Oprah. Someone has broken Joji’s heart. I still don’t get Don Krez, but sometimes there’s nothing to get.
- Some people are so wholesome they’ll be embarrassed at the thought of cursing, in a language you don’t understand, in front of you. This is cute.
- Convincing your friends to go out on a Tuesday night is possible.
Tenants Tuesdays are still pretty lame. I’m not as big a hipster as most people think I am, I just like being out. Should be called Tori Tuesdays instead because hanging with Tori on Tuesday nights is a reminder to ourselves we will be rich one day, we just need to be disciplined. Also, “Are you an artist?” is a lame pickup line and people respond well to general answers on dating apps because they make you seem relatable. For some reason, that last part, written out so clearly, has really escaped my dating app game. Because my dating app game is: “Nobody Care.” - Convincing your neighbor to go out on a Wednesday night is possible.
Showing up to a New York Times event an hour late with absolutely no context will result in you missing the event,
wasting money,
grabbing a glass of rosé you could’ve otherwise gotten for free anyways,
running back to the valet,
begging them to not charge you because you missed the event and are leaving with your glass of rosé anyways,
going home dejected, but cute and slightly buzzed,
texting your corgi-owning neighbor to get drinks at a Chinese bar nearby,
going out with your corgi-owning neighbor to get drinks at a Chinese bar nearby,
writing the words “COMPETE WITH YOURSELF” in your notes,
finally befriending your corgi-owning neighbor,
who then texts you the next day to ask if you’ve smoked. (He’s trying to convince me to quit.) - Convincing your ex-friend who you haven’t talked to in two months to hang out is possible.
Part of the conversation with Double D was about our strained relationships. It convinced me to reach out to my ex-friend yesterday. We went out with no expectations and had a good night. - BITCH I’M INVINCIBLE
- Cigarettes are bad for you
- So I’m quitting by my 25th
A STOR¥ BY ? 