Ham on Everything is… I don’t even know what to call it. An organization? “Organization” seems formal for what it is, but let’s roll with it. It’s an organization in LA that has its hands all up in the rap and hip hop scene, which is funny because it’s run by a white guy named Adam. He puts on shows and parties that include people of my personal interest like Father, 6 Dogs, etc. Because the SoundCloud scene is big out here, there’s a lot of those acts thrown into the mix as well. I’m not a big fan of mumble rap, trap rap, whatever kids on xans want to call it, so I don’t check out the HAM events often. But last night Father had a DJ set at one of the functions, so I had to
Like a total nerd, I bought a ticket online and that’s
Tip #1 for Going To A Rap Function By Yourself as A Woman: Don’t. I paid $3 in fees for no reason and it would’ve been a solid ten at the door. If it’s a guy checking you in, you’ll probably get in free.
Alas, I paid, so it didn’t matter. I gallery-sat until 6 p.m. then napped for three hours. You can never tell when the person you want to see is going on, but I think at this point in life I’d rather risk missing the act than risk showing up at 9 p.m. and being forced to wait three hours before anything relevant happens. The last time I went to a HAM event I tried to see 6 Dogs and missed the entire show. I’m not exaggerating. When the last act – I don’t remember who it was, but the trap rap fan at my workplace told me he’s “actually good” – announced it was the last song, I didn’t believe him. It was only 11 p.m. And then all the teenagers left and I stayed around like, “Wait… are they… trying to get drinks… or…?”
But lesson not learned because there was no lesson that day, just the arbitrary hits and misses of life. I showed up to the Father function at 11 p.m. None of my friends wanted to go so I was by myself.
Tip #2: Dress cute, but not too cute if you don’t want to be approached by men all night. If you do– then by all means! I dressed like a dad even though the event was marketed as a “meme prom” and I was still approached by four guys. How are you supposed to dress like a “meme”, Adam & co.? I and others want to know. If I had to pick a meme for the night though, it would be
because that was my face until Father came out. Bobby Raps did a song about a hoe sucking dick for a bag of chips that was pretty entertaining. And then Adam & co. played Stacy’s Mom and Ke$ha and a bunch of other trash. Father played Thotnite, a new song, and a bunch of other bops. Half the crowd was on the stage by the time he got off. I think part of the LA appeal is how easy it is to transcend from watching to participating. If you have the guts, you just do it. All it takes it a lit bit of strategic waiting, feigning ignorance, and believing you can.
Tip #3: Yes, you can.
Some notes I took on my phone:
I think the girl with one arm is here again. There is a girl with one arm in the LA scene. She tells people she got her arm bitten off by a shark and now she is doing porn in LA. She has 130,000 followers on Twitter. She lives with the girl who ruined Ameer Vann’s career. I’m standing in the bathroom with her and someone asks if she is a fan of ducks. She says, “Nah.”
I was standing outside and now I’m not because someone attempted to make conversation with me. His name was Aldo, “like the shoe.” We talked about art and rich Chinese kids who hate their parents. I wait for the opportune moment to stub out my cigarette and leave.
Three guys have approached me tonight.
The second asks me to dance with him and walks away when I say no.
The third asks me to smoke weed with him and walks away when I say no.
The DJ with the fur coat is the best; must befriend him. Oh my god Father is never coming on.
A STOR¥ BY ? 