43. jimmy

A character study of my coworkers, from least to most favorite.

Mediocre White Guy #1
A douche. Mid-20s. Wants to be an actor. Very stupid. The only coworker I actually dislike.

Mediocre White Guy #2
Voted for Trump. Early 20s. Christian. Blue lives matter headass. Pretty stupid. Total weeb. Takes my constantly roasting him for voting Trump like a champ.

Ariana
Rich girl food blogger. Early 20s. From Columbia. Nice enough, but does things like, “We should really save the rice and give it to homeless people!,” makes five containers, then forgets them all.

Jasmine
Stoner mixed with sugar baby mixed with Seventh Day Adventist. 18. Very confident about beliefs she will probably disregard at a future date. Lives on her own after her mom kicked her out. Got the sauce, but says she was born a 3.

Edgar
“Kitchen guy.” 50. From El Salvador. Hates doing dishes. A little manipulative. Has three kids. Met his wife in their early 20s and have been together since. Constantly shading Mediocre White Guys. We call him, “The Shade Queen.”

Bjork
The lamb-est of all lambs. 17. Asks Philosophy 101 questions. Terrible worker. Older brother quit life and went to India to become a monk. Doesn’t want to admit it, but that made him really sad. Secretly wants to be a K-pop star. Kind of hates me.

Tori
Kawaii. Early 20s. Latina with slight Lolita aesthetic. Tiny vegan. Wants to be a musician. We talk about social issues and vibe well, but she makes me feel in danger for no reason sometimes.

Dani
Best worker. Mid-30s. Used to work in the beauty business, but now prefers “humbling work.” In the middle of divorce procedures. Has a mans that she’s crazy for. Loves sports.

Ash
A sense of humor as dark as a black hole. Early 20s. Just graduated from UCLA. Has another job working with kids with autism. Hates the job we share, but is one of the best workers. Has lots of siblings, so is very “Mom.” Cheated on boyfriend with an ex-coworker. Makes all our other female coworkers think she hates them, which might be the case.

Rosie
Pure heart and soul, loves food, is like the human equivalent of a corgi. Early 20s. Filipina. Texts me about her boy problems and never understands the advice I give.