38. when i grow too old to dream

Riri wished me a happy birthday at midnight. I was in the bathroom, putting on dark circle corrector. 30 minutes ago, my roomlord offered me some old birthday cake, totally unrelated to mine, but coincidentally so. I was feeling a little lonely last night, missing my brother and friends and the feeling of home. But today I want to count my blessings. I am 24 years old.

1. I am living in Arcadia, CA. I am paying $515 for half a room, but I have a twin-sized bed, a desk, and drawers. All the belongings I care for are here with me. If I lose something, it’s never hard to find because it can only be in one of four boxes I own. When I go running, there are peacocks in the streets.
2. The people I live with like me. They might not understand me or why I’m here, but I’m here and they’re okay with that. My roommate is sweet and well-meaning. The family I’m living with is not psychotic. They offer me fruit from their backyard and humor me every day. The kids are cute and amusing.
3. I got a promotion and am now getting paid above minimum wage. People at work respect me. A lot of them are cool.
4. I have my birthday weekend off. Tomorrow I’m going downtown to hang out all night with Cheryl. She offered to let me sleepover. Cheryl is so cool.
5. My hair can last three days without washing.
6. Three of my closest friends are in town and we’ll be going to Disneyland on Monday.
7. I’m not dead broke.
8. I’m at a good weight.
9. I can run 30 minutes/3 miles easily.
10. I’m more autonomous than ever before.

This is my first birthday without the most important person in my life. I’m going to call my grandfather tomorrow because he hasn’t responded to me on Facebook. I’m going to say, “Hello, I’d like to speak to Johnny Easters.” And when he says, “This is him,” I’m going to ask how he’s doing. And then I’m going to tell him he had sex with my grandmother when he was 18 and he had a kid as a result. And that kid is my mom. And my mom’s been wanting to meet him her whole life, so they should do that. And I’d like to meet him, too, because he can tell me all about gran back then. And his experiences. And his life! How wild.

Here’s another blessing: my roomlord is installing a new doorknob for me and Riri right now, free of charge, so we can lock our room. They’re throwing a birthday party for one of their daughters on Saturday and invited us to it, but he wanted us to be able to lock our door just in case. While installing, he saw a picture of Jayden and asked if he was my son. I said, “No, that’s my brother. Wouldn’t that be wild if I had a son?” I laughed. This is the third time this week some person asked a question gauging my age. The first was a security guy at the Brockhampton concert asking if I got often told my ID looked fake. I laughed and told him it was definitely real. The second was my boss’ sister-in-law asking if I was married. I laughed and told her definitely not. I love my ambiguity.

I’ve been doing bad at reading, but good at sleeping and eating and working and all those other important things. I can’t complain. I pitched a column to a website. Don’t know if I’ll get it, but I did it. My friends love and support me. They put things on my radar and encourage me to do my thing. I’m away from my family and I think it’s better that way. I knew when my grandma died I wouldn’t live with my mom and and now I’m here. I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.

I had the courage to make the move and the strength to succeed. I will keep taking everything seriously, while still treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. Thank you to every single person who continues to read my writing. I love you.