Me and Your Mama came out a week after my grandma’s death. Whenever I listen to it, I’m back in the bathtub, floating and touching my body and reminding myself I’m alive. There’s the notebook I scribbled in, wet. Here’s what I wrote two days after my grandma passed, November 5th, 2016:
I found this notebook and took it. It was laying on a table with other notebooks but it was separated and did not have a price tag. I walked out with it like it had always been mine. Life is really arbitrary sometimes.
I don’t know where to start. It’s quiet in the house right now. I like it that way. I’m writing too close to the edges. My gran has moved on and it’s just me now. Home has always been where gran was and now this building seems nothing more than a place I will leave from and seldom return; if only to be where gran once was and where we spent so many years together. The only reason we believe in heaven or hell is because we hope that’s where our loved ones end up when their spirits have left their bodies. I hope, wherever gran is, that she is happy and healthy. I hope she knows she did a good job at life and at raising me. There is nothing I can do now to change the past, so I can only aim to go out and make her proud. I owe her everything. I’m sorry for all the times I wasted being frustrated or making her upset. I was so stupid and in hindsight it is all too clear. I’m sorry grandma. I love you more than anyone and more than I can express. I meant it when I said, “Thank you.”
Tomorrow will be the start of the family’s mourning ceremony. We’re leaving the house early and may not be back for days. I’m not sure if I will stay at the hotel yet. I’m tired just thinking about being surrounded by everyone for four days.
And then on November 12th, 2016:
I have a newfound appreciation for life and my physical/spiritual divide. Life should be appreciated in all living things and we must take care of our spiritual and physical selves equally and always.
The year’s really passed just like that.
A STOR¥ BY ? 