The third has snuck up on me again. It was my cousin Richard who reminded me that it’s been 10 months. That explains why I wanted to vegetate all day. I cried for the first time in a while and it felt good.
I got into bed, wrapped myself in a blanket, and called Steph to tell her about the weird night I had. I watched her eat spring rolls through the phone. I was supposed to have off tomorrow, but I asked for hours. I think it’ll be good to work because I’m feeling out of it. I binge ate as part of my self-care. I should’ve gone on a run instead, but sometimes you need to feed your body yummy things just to remind yourself you can.
Each month I prepare my goals and expectations and then the third passes and it’s like, wow, another month since gran’s been gone. I feel alone, but that’s life. You lose the person who raised you and you’re different. Maybe that’s why I’m so, “Come what may, even if what comes is fucked” right now. I gotta check that shit. Maybe I wasn’t kidding myself when I said that nothing could be scarier than watching grandma die. Not even the sus LA scene.
What would my grandma have had to say about last night? I hope we would’ve laughed over it, but that’s wishful thinking.
A STOR¥ BY ? 